Orochimaru's evil babysitting service
by Sakura-BlossomsXXX
Summary: Welcome to Orochimarus evil babbysitting service where we shower your children with knives...I mean Love! Dont own naruto bla bla bla...
1. The commercial dun du dun!

Just some good OOCness please comment and tell me what you think- So heres the first chapter of the start of the evil service.

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In Orochimaru's evil lair……

"Kabuto, I need money badly," A snake like man hissed angrily.

"But Orochimaru Samma you have so much money."

"That was true, until you spent it all an pudding cups!" Orochimaru's eyes flashed angrily at his grey haired apprentice."

"I'm sorry Orochimaru Samma the pudding cups haunted my dreams!" Kabuto cried holding his head. "Their voices saying "buy me, buy me!" Orochimaru sighed.

"Kabuto, I'd love to hear the tragic tale of how by-processed dairy products traumatized you, but right now my dilemma includes earning back the money you wasted." The sound ninja kneaded his forehead, thinking deeply. Suddenly, Orochimaru's thoughts were interrupted as thick slurping was heard echoing throughout the lair.

"For God's sake Kabuto! What in the name of corn are you doing?" Orochimaru yelled. Kabuto turned holding one of the cursed pudding cups. The chocolate dribbled down his chin and hands as he gurgled in response,

"Eating." Orochimaru growled deeply using what little patience he had left to keep himself from killing his servant right then and there.

"You know you are worse then a child…." The snake man's eyes widened with resolution. "Children," He repeated rubbing his chin. "Kabuto, you have just given me the most ingenious idea!"

"I did?" Kabuto slurped through his pudding.

"Yes, and for that you will be rewarded!"

"Is that another way of saying you'll start paying me, Lord Orochimaru?"

"No, but if this works you'll be up to your toes in these disgusting chocolate containers." Orochimaru lifted his arms in the classic evil madman pose, lightning flashed behind him, and he laughed wildly, "To the commercial!"

* * *

"Hello and welcome to Orochimaru's daycare center where we shower your children with knives- I mean love!" Orochimaru grinned sweetly into the camera.

"Here we offer the best care possible for the little tikes." Orochimaru bent down and patted a small tabby kitten before kicking it away. As the unfortunate animal flew of screen, a yowl was heard followed by the banging of trashcans. The camera turned upwards to watch a bird flying in the sky.

"God dammit Kabuto, hold the camera on me!" The camera zoomed hastily back to Orochimaru's face. The sound ninja walked to the right where four Akatsuki members were bound to each other wiggling wildly. "Our professional staff trained in the magical art of child care, will help your ankle biters become the most successful Shinobi."

"Especially the hot blonde one," Kabuto's voice said huskily. The camera zoomed in on the blonde, pony tailed member, who began screaming passed the duct tape covering his mouth. The muffled cries sounded something like, "Help me, I don't want to be raped by a nerd!"

"Kabuto, show some self control," Orochimaru scolded. "This is a family commercial. And you," Orochimaru said flicking the blonde ninja's forehead, I don't care how horny you make Kabuto, watch your language." Orochimaru stood up and fluffed his black hair, and straitened the large purple bow on his back. The other three members of Akatsuki consisting of Sasori, Kisame, and Itachi snickered at this. "In conclusion our basic hygiene," The camera zoomed to filthy toilets. "and love of all things free," The camera zoomed to a dead bird. "We are the best to offer your children quality care."


	2. Registration

Okay here's the second chapter of Orochimaru's desperate attempt to regain all his lost money. I feel sorry for the poor Akatsuki members. Deidara, Sasori, Itachi, Kisame….hang in there we love you.

"Okay, now it's time for registration," Orochimaru yelled happily as he and his four captured employees sat, tied up, behind a wooden table. The table sat in front of an old wear house where they were to watch the children. Orochimaru rubbed his pale hands together happily. The commercial had aired for a week now and now was the day when he would finally get his costumers and undo the damage his servant had caused. Kabuto smirked and winked at the blonde, missing ninja.

"Sasori danna I'm scared un, I think he wants to put his hands in my uh oh areas, un," The pony tailed prisoner whimpered, scooting closer to his red haired neighbor in order to put as mush distance between himself and the flirting sound ninja.

"Don't worry Deidara san, I'm sure Leader samma and the rest of the Akatsuki are already searching for us," Sasori tried to reassure his younger partner.

Meanwhile…

The remaining Akatsuki members sat on the couch with totally dead expressions on their faces. The dramas of "General Hospital" played out on the large T.V. set.

"_Alexis is still in a comma and I need to take care of my little sister" _

"_Sam, I want to try again, but I warn you Rick is dangerous be careful."_

"Hey Zetsu, I just noticed but I haven't seen Itachi, Kisame, Deidara, or Sasori for awhile," Leader said in a bored voice. "Any ideas where they could be?"

"Huh?" Zetsu asked to engulfed in the soap opera to care.

"Huh, what?" Leader replied his attention span cut back to the soap. "I wonder if Maxi is going to die the little whore."

The yard was full of parents and kids as Orochimaru signed the kids up for his care. A white eyed man with two kids stood in front of the registration table.

"Ah hem," The man cleared his throat. "I am from the Hyuga clan in Konoha, this is my daughter, Hinata and her cousin Neji," The man said flatly.

"Hello," Orochimaru attempted a warm inviting smile, only to make his face a twisted mask of evil. "Welcome to the daycare, I'm Oarochimaru."

"Do you have any women working here," The Hyuga asked. "I don't feel comfortable leaving my daughter with men." Orochimaru's heart skipped a beat, this could lose business.

"Of course!" The ninja laughed gesturing toward Deidara. "If that's not a woman I don't know what is!"

"But I'm not a -" Deidara began angrily before Orochimaru slapped a clammy hand over his mouth. Itachi and Kisame snickered while Sasori just looked bored.

"Well, here they are take care of them." The clan leader left his children and jumped into the trees.

"Itachi, take these!" Orochimaru shoved the children into the Uchiha's lap.

"Ew, I hate kids," Itachi mumbled.

"I'm four years old," The long haired boy said happily, holding up three fingers.

"Wonderful," Itachi muttered sarcastically. Suddenly a bird poop fell from the sky with a thick plop on Itachi's head. "Ack!" the sharingan master screamed before adding a miserable, "Perfect."

"Hello my name is Temari and these are my little brothers Gaara and Kankuro," A little blonde haired girl said holding her brothers' hands.

"I've been to the moon," the brown haired boy explained matter-of-factly.

"Great, your with Kisame," Orochimaru pointed to the shark like ninja. "For now anyway."

"Hello," the red haired boy said shyly, hiding behind his sister.

"Itachi samma, I want to trade, I have more kids," Kisame whined. Meanwhile a blonde haired girl along with a pink haired girl were placed with Deidara.

"My names Ino and this is Sakura," The girl said.

"How about we make kids of our own?" Kabuto muttered as he reached for Deidara. With a squeal of disgust, the blonde ninja practically hopped across Sasori's lap.

"He's not interested you crazy freak!" Sasori came to his partners defense. Registration was going well already they had a kid named Naruto, also a sleepy looking kid, Skikamaru and his friend Chouji, a boy named Haku and list of other small children. The snake like man couldn't be more pleased.


	3. Meeting the teachers

Okay heres your chapter I hope you like it you all rock!

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When Orochimaru and his captive co workers came to the warehouse the next day he clapped his hands together with a sickening grin. Something wasn't right though. Looking at all the kids sitting in front of him, Orochimaru began to wonder about registration the day before.

"Uh, Itachi san?" Orochimaru asked a bit worriedly.

"What, Idiot?" The Uchiha growled bitterly.

"Is it me or did these kids multiply?" Itachi, still angry from his easy capture gazed at the kids hatefully. He didn't care if there were a million of them. Still, now that he looked at it did look like there were more of them.

"No matter," Orochimaru put on his happy face and stood before the children. "Hello, children of whatever villages you are from!" The snake man waved. A few kids waved back nervously. "Since there are more of you than there was yesterday we will have to split you into groups again. But first, to introduce your teachers!" The sound ninja turned his back to the children and dragged Sasori, rather unwillingly, to the front of the class.

"This is Mr. Sasori he is very emo."

"I am not emo you stupid fag!" Sasori yelled. The kids gasped and a few cries of "fag" were heard. The snake man covered Sasori's mouth and hissed angrily in his ear.

"Shut up, I want money not lawsuits!" Sasori's eyes narrowed,

"What's in it for me?" Orochimaru gestured toward Deidara who was huddled on top of a dusty bookshelf. Kabuto was below him yelling out his undying love and lust for the rock ninja, while Deidara, in a sort of crash position, covered his ears and was singing a quite lullaby to himself.

"It seems Kabuto has a crush on your new partner."

"You wouldn't."

"Oh, I would." Orochimaru grinned evilly. "This has to be why you miss me." The snake man smiled wickedly and addressed the kids again. "He will be taking all of the six and under boys. Any boy six and under come up here and give your teacher a hug!"

"AHHHHHHHH!" Sasori screamed, shielding himself with his arms.

_Oh, I wanted to be with Itachi ni san_, A little boy called Sasuke thought to him self as he joined the group of boys smothering the puppeteer.

There was a roar and in seconds Sasori had disappeared under the twenty or so kids. A little brown haired boy with red, fang shaped marks on his cheeks stood in front of Orochimaru.

"Do you allow doggies in here?" He asked innocently. The sound ninja looked at him oddly.

"No, dogs are filthy disgusting creatures."

"You, fag!" The kid screamed and gave a sharp head butt to Orochimaru's….. well you get the idea.

"Never insult puppies in front of Inuzuka Kiba!" The boy yelled triumphantly standing over a gasping ninja.

A few minutes later……….

"Okay kiddies," Orochimaru said with a high pitched twinge in his voice. Deidara was standing nervously next to him, a hint of an embarrassed blush on his cheeks. Kiba was scowling angrily from the "Time Out Zone."

"So, come here often?" The boy Naruto asked.

"This is Mrs. Deidara!"

"What, I AM NOT A WOMAN!" Deidara screamed rather loudly. Again the children gasped, but this time a look of anger crossed their faces. They raised their pencils and began throwing them at the rock ninja.

"Boo, we want you to be a woman!" the kids shrieked in unison. The children continued their rain of wooden projectiles until Deidara yelled out,

"Okay, Okay, I'm a woman!" This seemed to satisfy the kids and Kabuto had a look of pure love behind his large glasses.

"By the way read this," Orochimaru handed Deidara a magazine.

"Woman's Entertainment, You can kiss my ovaries if you think I'll-"

"Right," Orochimaru continued as if nothing had happened. "All girls go with her."

"Mrs. Deidara is so beautiful," Ino sighed with a dreamy look on her face. "I want to look just like her." The hinted blush on Deidara's face turned to a true rosy color.

"Thank you," Deidara smiled at Ino.

"She is, isn't she," Sakura agreed. Deidara's blush spread rapidly to his ears and he giggled slightly.

Temari walked away from her brothers to join Deidara. Gaara was the only boy who had not gone to greet Sasori, for fear of leaving his siblings, and he pressed himself against Kankuro as his sister walked away.

Orochimaru took hold of Itachi and Kisame and dragged them to the front the class room. "All of the older boys come with them." Like Sasori, Itachi and Kisame were buried under all of the older boys. Kankuro began to walk away, but his younger brother grabbed his arm with a whimper, pulled him back and buried his face in his chest.

"It's okay Gaara I wont be far away."

"But I-," Gaara began.

"Now you'll never make a friend if you don't try," Kankuro told him. Without another word Gaara's older sibling walked away towards to buried ninjas.

"Okay," Orochimaru said to Kabuto. "Things are finally coming together."

* * *

Well Things still seem to be in order but for how long? If you have any suggestions or critisism let me know but remember it's suppost to be retarded. 


	4. Games and the Penis

Okay heres the next chapter. I was writing this from my friends house and was very sugar high have fun.

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Sasori had taken his group to the other side of the room.

"Okay, we are going to play a game," The puppeteer stated.

"What type of game?" Gaara asked.

"It's called the A B C game."

"How do we play?" Haku asked.

"Simple, I tell you a letter and you say a word beginning with that letter." Sasori thought this game would be simple and keep the kids busy. I pity him.

"Okay, A."

"ASS!" Sasuke screamed.

"AH, Where'd you hear that?" Sasori screamed with a huge sweat drop.

"From Tobi," Sasuke pouted. Sasori's head turned stiffly.

"Tobi is here?" He growled through gritted teeth.

"Hello, Sasori san, Deidara senpai! Tobi waved cheerily.

"Tobi, save me, un!" Deidara screamed as he clung to the ceiling rafters. Kabuto was STILL screamed about his undying love. All the girls were standing teary eyed at their teachers fear.

"Aw, Deidara san, first say you have no penis."

"What?"

"Just say, I have no penis!" Tobi said seriously.

"Fine, you have no penis, un!"

"I didn't want to do this," Tobi seemed to have pulled a ladder out of nowhere. "Kabuto need a ladder?" Deiara's blue eyes seemed to grow the size of trashcan lids.

"I HAVE NO PENIS, I HAVE NO PENIS, UN!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, now save me, un!" Deidara seemed to be on the verge of crying.

"No penis on you what so ever?" Tobi asked innocently. Orochimaru took this time to interrupt Tobi's fun.

"No penis talk in front of the children!"

"Sasori danna, what's a penis?" Haku asked.

"Well-" Sasori began.

"It's the thing between a man's legs!" Tobi shouted happily. Sasori's eyes became huge white moons and he did an anime faint.

"Okay I have no penis please save me, un!" Deidara cried, his nails digging into the wooden beam. Sasori got up weakly holding his head.

"Okay, I'm go save the brat and then we'll try the A B C game one more time." Sasori took Tobi's ladder and brought Deidara down. He handed the trembling rock ninja to Kabuto.

"Here's your bundle of joy, Tobi."

"Sasori danna, that's not Tobi, un!" Sasori's eyes got large again and he snatched his partner away.

"Okay, here Tobi," The puppeteer handed the blonde ninja to the masked shinobi. "So why are you here?"

"Well, Leader samma, sent me to rescue you!"

"Oh, just now?"

"Hai, "General Hospital" is finally over!"

"Oh, so what happened?" Sasori asked. "Did Maxi really sleep with Lucy?" Tobi nodded.

"Oh yeah, and she's pregnant with his baby."

"Oh My God." Sasori said shocked.

"Does Elizabeth know, un?" Deidara asked.

"Okay, if you ladies are done talking "General Hospital," Orochimaru began angrily, his voice rising. "GET BACK TO YOUR CHILDREN!" Deidara moved towards the girls. Kabuto began to follow but Deidara tossed a clay bird in his direction.

"Is this a gift for me?"

"Yeah, un," winked, his smile growing as the bird exploded.


	5. I have to pee

Okay heres the next chapter a little hurried please review!

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"I have to pee," Chouji cried, holding his crotch and doing a sort of bathroom dance.

"What?" Orochimaru said stupidly.

"I have to pee," The chubby little boy said through clenched teeth.

"Oh, shit," Orochimaru mumbled monotone. He had ordered the porter potties two days ago and they had not yet arrived. _I am going to kill those bastards._

"Deidara, Itachi!" The snake man yelled.

"What fag?" Itachi asked. The sound ninja chose to ignore this comment and crossed his arms. "They have to pee."

"What do you want us to do about it, un?" Deidara asked so innocently, Orochimaru got extremely annoyed.

"Take them to the Akatsuki Hideout."

"You have got to be kidding," The Uchiha said flatly. "Leader will kill us."

"It's ether it's take them to the base or I'll let them piss on the floor."

Itachi considered it. This would be the perfect opportunity to escape, but then he'd have Deidara. Usually, he was Sasori's problem and Itachi had little to do with the blonde, but from what he heard, Deidara was very annoying and would not, for the love of God, shut up. Still, if he could put up with Kisame's smell he could definitely put up with twenty minutes of nonstop chatter.

"Don't even think about escaping," Orochimaru warned.

"Wha-?" Itachi couldn't hide his surprise at the warning. Could this fruity freak read minds?

"I have a small machine attached to both of your legs if you try to escape you'll get 50,000 volts."

Itachi and Deidara both took the time to look at their legs. Sure enough a small machine was duct taped to the ninja's legs.

"Don't even try to take it off, 'cause it's taped to your leg hair, and that really hurts," Orochimaru gave an evil smirk.

"Right well lets get going," Itachi muttered.

It was as painful as Itachi thought it would be. The whole way to the base Deidara refused to shut his mouth. The kids, which were Chouji, Shikamaru, Sakura, Naruto and Gaara, were near the edge of tears holding back their urine. Deidara meanwhile, talked nonstop about art, birds, and crap Itachi didn't give a shit about.

"Look, Itachi san a that cloud looks like a fish," Deidara said with a childlike wonder which Itachi was hating more and more with each second. "And that one looks like a boat."

"For the love of my sanity do you ever shut up!"

Deidara cocked his head with that retarded grin of his and asked,

"Am I bugging you Itachi san?" Itachi threw his arms in the air in exasperation.

"How does Sasori put up with you?" Itachi yelled.

"Uh, I had an accident," Gaara spoke up sheepishly. On the crotch of his pants, was a darker stain than the rest of the cloth.

"Oh, that is just perfect!" Itachi screamed, walking further away.

"I guess we'll have to pick up some pants too, un Diedara said happily.


End file.
